I've been quiet lately. I haven't published anything in weeks because up to now I feel anything I say will land with a thud.
I've been as disheartened as I've ever been. Right now, with the state of our nation, nature, and the world at large, writing and publishing feels meaningless.
Even as a reader, I'm turning away from the lengthy (and I'm sure) insightful things others have been writing because more than ever, words seem empty.
Publishing has not stopped one hurricane, and seems to not have made a difference quelling racism, solving climate change, or landing much needed sanity and critical thinking on our population.
Last week, during a class, the instructor brought up the topic of faith--especially what it means when people bring up faith at work.
First off, it brought up every unpleasant encounter I've ever had with people who want to push their brand of religion on me.
It also brought up how when work is going badly, and people tell me to have faith in what they are doing, usually that means they have nothing but are scrambling to have something and I should just trust that things will work out (that kind of faith has to be earned--and even then I hedge my bets).
It also made me think of my own personal faith--what is the one thing I absolutely will turn to again and again even when doing something else is easier. What really sustains and carries me through hard times?
Because I was (am) particularly freaked out by the ongoing nuclear dick wagging between two men with bad hairdos, I found myself laying alone in bed asking G-D to make it ok. I was doing that because the world's sanity seems to have taken leave and I wanted Something or Someone to be the fail safe.
I read on FB how someone knew they wouldn't be hit by the hurricane because of their faith.
I have no faith in any divinity that grants special favors to one set of people who prayed just right and then everyone who didn't do or say the right thing is just rubbed out.
Looking back on my little conversation with G-D, I could see how I was more like that bad friend who only calls when things are going badly looking to be bailed out.
That's not faith. That's superstition.
But it was a superstition that worked in the moment--so I'm glad I gave that to myself.
I was able to take a deep breath and reassess.
Faith is something that grows when you lean into it--what do I lean into when things are particularly horrible but also when things are going well?
I finally realized that I really pray to the G-D of Small Things--small things like managing the moment because that is what life is--choices and moments. What I decide to do when my own storm is beating me up is the direct blessing of the G-D of Small Things. The G-D of Small Things cannot turn a hurricane away nor can it bring justice and sanity in one grand gesture. But she can whisper quietly "keep trying--try to make a difference".
And with that, I break my writing fast and re-enter the world.